just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
