Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
