Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
