sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
