I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
