Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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