i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize