Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
