You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
