I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
