a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
