I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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