Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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