Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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