i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
