Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
