Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
