You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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