we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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