Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
