I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize