I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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