dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
