Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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