just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
third nipple confirmed
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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