If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
