drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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