apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she looked like the before picture.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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