my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
