yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
