that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
