He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
