you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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