an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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