I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
