Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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