The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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