Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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