He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
