also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
