I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You're like the curious george of whores
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
