"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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