if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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