We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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