haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
