If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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