Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
