Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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