Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
