I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
