After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
