He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
