He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
