these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize