I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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