k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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