someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
