I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
