ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
