the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
