Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We have started to decorate penises.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
